~So a new chapter is in the works. I have spent the last 7 years dabbling around Buddhism and Zen. I claim to be Buddhist and I have been accepted as a student by Genpo Roshi. He is a very compassionate Zen Master located in Salt Lake.

~There are certain agreements and rules that apply to us all and everything we do. Funny enough, for years I have thought that if I did not verbalize this to anyone then I wouldn’t be held accountable. So I dabble at the Zen Center and I sit on my cushion at home. There never was a solid focus or direction with my meditation. I have not even spoken with Roshi in years.

~So recently I started visiting the Zen Center regularly. I ran into Roshi and he basically told me it was time to wake up. It’s funny how that statement can strike a person. The thought of sleep walking through life is a strange one. My friend Tui kind of got me started back at the center due to his curiosity.

~So I grab the instructions and start sewing my rakusu. I almost finish it when I decide to iron the wrinkles out. I ended up melting my sewing and frying my cloth. Who knew that you couldn’t iron everything on the highest setting? So I live and learn. I jump right back on the horse and start a new one. I’ve spent nearly 60 hours just hand sewing this sucker. (Because it all has to be hand sewn by me of course).At first I was annoyed by this. Why should I have to sew this thing together? I wasn’t even sure what it all meant. As I sat there hour after hour I soon discovered that making this rakusu was in fact meditation. That changed my view. As I continued sewing I started to enjoy it and even take some pride in my work. I discovered some reason to this cloth and felt good about it.

~Now I need to apply that thought to everyday activities and life. Attitude and view point can really adjust your reality. So I am finished. I am attending my first retreat starting April 18^th and going until May 2^nd. I am very excited. Two weeks of meditation and Zen conversation. Then during the retreat on April 30^th at 8pm I will participate in the Jukai Tokudo. It is the ceremony where I become part of Buddha’s lineage, accept the 16 precepts, and I receive my Dharma name from Roshi. I am finally verbalizing my agreement with the universe. And while this changes absolutely nothing (because I am already here, so I have to play by the rules anyhow), I still feel a sense of peace because it is such an important step for me. I feel good.

~Okay so call it what you will, maybe a drug induced hallucination or a spiritual message from the beyond. Either way, I am taking it seriously. Mainly because it is either something from the other side warning me, or it is my subconscious trying to save me.

~I had surgery today for an umbilical hernia repair. I was trying to show Ariel how to do proper pushups. I got to about 200 of them,okay only about 4, but who is counting? I felt this pain. I blew out my belly button and my guts were popping out. OUCH! I also had a cold today and wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t take my medications this morning and so I also felt really nervous. I was afraid I might even die on the table.

~So the doc puts me under and all of a sudden I was in a forest sitting on a bench with a bald man in white robes. I can’t recall facial details much. He was tall and slender. His voice was very calming. He started by saying that I could give in now and die. I remember that I didn’t feel scared or nervous. I knew what he meant and felt a sense of peace with it. I also knew it wasn’t time for me yet and explained that I would choose to stay.

~He went on to say that I’ve reached a point where decisions needed to be made. He told me that if I stayed on the same path I was currently on I would pass on to the next life within a year or so. He explained that Amber has given up and won’t survive long in this world unless I make choices, change, and lead by example. I remember feeling extreme sorrow at that point. I felt as if I had completely failed my wife. As if I had caused her damage over the past 8 years. I then decided I would make the changes required. I asked him how to start.

~He told me to take baby steps and not to think about the whole elephant. He told me how to set goals and just make small changes at first. He also told me that Amber would resist at first but that I should remain calm and patient. He also tried to prepare me for the worst situation. He explained that my love and desire for Amber was not enough to change her path. If she decided against the changes or had already totally given up then I would lose her here shortly. Just thinking about that shakes my soul. I feel as if it is my fault. I wonder if she would have been happier in life if we had never met.

~He went on to say that all of my children have a lot of anger and sadness in their lives. He explained the loss they feel in their tiny souls. I was told that Amber’s and my changes would improve their lives greatly and provide guidance for them.

~He told me that my anger towards Hannah’s actions with Dayvid could potentially destroy everything I have if I did not let it go. I told him I could not give up on Dayvid. He stressed to me that I could love Dayvid and be a great father to him and still have the ability to forgive Hannah for her actions and mis-treatment of our son.

~He then went on to tell me that I needed to be strong for my mother. He said that here shortly she would see her own mother pass and also my father. My heart aches at the thought of losing my dad. I understand why, but I still feel like a child needing his daddy. I need to make sure that he knows I love him and how proud I am of him. He is a great man and a good father. He did right by me. I love him so very much.

~Then in the final moments he explained that my current spiritual path was correct. That it suited me well and offered me explanations for my questions. He told me that it would be a difficult path and that I would resist it at times but that it would benefit all living beings eventually. He said if I was willing to be fluid, make necessary changes, and follow my heart that I would become a great teacher for my family, friends, and any who came into contact with me.

~He then reached up and put his hand on my shoulder. The next thing I knew I was waking up. Want to know the weird part to all of this? All of my past surgeries I was in excellent health and had a hard time waking up from it. They say I have a weird reaction to it. I mean it normally takes me 2 to 3 days to fully come around. Now today, I have a cold, no meds, freaking out, but afterwards, I wake up feeling like Superman. I came to in about 30 minutes. I was sitting up, doing fine. I left the hospital an hour and a half after waking up! I think my choice to live inspired my body to heal. How weird and cool is that? So tell me your take on all of this. What the hell happened? Did I drop the soap? Am I being told something? What would you do if it happened to you? Has anything like this happened to you? If so, tell me about it. Love you all.