I sit down on spilled water

I sit in meditation and feel as if all my thoughts are being flushed down with water. I can't explain it. It is a drowning sensation. Thoughts are starting to blend and mix. I worry about losing my sanity. I wonder what sanity is. I ask how far down the rabbit whole I am willing to go. My brain feels like shutting down at some point, but my body keeps me in place. I feel warmth and begin to sweat like a bastard in a furnace. I soak my cushion. Yet I sit. I do this often now. I feel like I am losing sight of something, like what I feel isn't real. There is no logic to it. No real form, nothing to hold onto. Amber asked me to explain it and I can't. This is as close as I get. Am I going nuts? Am I already nuts? Are nuts good or bad? Oh hell, if I was nuts, would I even be asking if I was nuts? Sometimes I feel sorrow of others. So much, from all over, people I know, and some I don't know. I cry a lot on my cushion now. The sorrow almost feels good. It is a strong emotion that lets me know I still care. I am making my rakusu and will be taking Jukai as soon as Genpo Roshi feels I am ready. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe it will be for the good of all of us. I need to understand the precepts and know what position in this is. I just emptied my glass to the floor, water at my feet. I am ready, ready to learn, ready to admit fault. I am ready to open myself to whatever may come. Find me, take me, I will learn, I will understand, I will feel, and mostly, I will use my knowledge to give it away.