~Okay so call it what you will, maybe a drug induced hallucination or a spiritual message from the beyond. Either way, I am taking it seriously. Mainly because it is either something from the other side warning me, or it is my subconscious trying to save me.

 

~I had surgery today for an umbilical hernia repair. I was trying to show Ariel how to do proper pushups. I got to about 200 of them,okay only about 4, but who is counting? I felt this pain. I blew out my belly button and my guts were popping out. OUCH! I also had a cold today and wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t take my medications this morning and so I also felt really nervous. I was afraid I might even die on the table.

 

~So the doc puts me under and all of a sudden I was in a forest sitting on a bench with a bald man in white robes. I can’t recall facial details much. He was tall and slender. His voice was very calming. He started by saying that I could give in now and die. I remember that I didn’t feel scared or nervous. I knew what he meant and felt a sense of peace with it. I also knew it wasn’t time for me yet and explained that I would choose to stay.

 

~He went on to say that I’ve reached a point where decisions needed to be made. He told me that if I stayed on the same path I was currently on I would pass on to the next life within a year or so. He explained that Amber has given up and won’t survive long in this world unless I make choices, change, and lead by example. I remember feeling extreme sorrow at that point. I felt as if I had completely failed my wife. As if I had caused her damage over the past 8 years. I then decided I would make the changes required. I asked him how to start.

 

~He told me to take baby steps and not to think about the whole elephant. He told me how to set goals and just make small changes at first. He also told me that Amber would resist at first but that I should remain calm and patient. He also tried to prepare me for the worst situation. He explained that my love and desire for Amber was not enough to change her path. If she decided against the changes or had already totally given up then I would lose her here shortly. Just thinking about that shakes my soul. I feel as if it is my fault. I wonder if she would have been happier in life if we had never met.

 

~He went on to say that all of my children have a lot of anger and sadness in their lives. He explained the loss they feel in their tiny souls. I was told that Amber’s and my changes would improve their lives greatly and provide guidance for them.

 

~He told me that my anger towards Hannah’s actions with Dayvid could potentially destroy everything I have if I did not let it go. I told him I could not give up on Dayvid. He stressed to me that I could love Dayvid and be a great father to him and still have the ability to forgive Hannah for her actions and mis-treatment of our son.

 

~He then went on to tell me that I needed to be strong for my mother. He said that here shortly she would see her own mother pass and also my father. My heart aches at the thought of losing my dad. I understand why, but I still feel like a child needing his daddy. I need to make sure that he knows I love him and how proud I am of him. He is a great man and a good father. He did right by me. I love him so very much.

 

~Then in the final moments he explained that my current spiritual path was correct. That it suited me well and offered me explanations for my questions. He told me that it would be a difficult path and that I would resist it at times but that it would benefit all living beings eventually. He said if I was willing to be fluid, make necessary changes, and follow my heart that I would become a great teacher for my family, friends, and any who came into contact with me.

 

~He then reached up and put his hand on my shoulder. The next thing I knew I was waking up. Want to know the weird part to all of this? All of my past surgeries I was in excellent health and had a hard time waking up from it. They say I have a weird reaction to it. I mean it normally takes me 2 to 3 days to fully come around. Now today, I have a cold, no meds, freaking out, but afterwards, I wake up feeling like Superman. I came to in about 30 minutes. I was sitting up, doing fine. I left the hospital an hour and a half after waking up! I think my choice to live inspired my body to heal. How weird and cool is that? So tell me your take on all of this. What the hell happened? Did I drop the soap? Am I being told something? What would you do if it happened to you? Has anything like this happened to you? If so, tell me about it. Love you all.

 

~Nuff,’said.

~So a new chapter is in the works. I have spent the last 7 years dabbling around Buddhism and Zen. I claim to be Buddhist and I have been accepted as a student by Genpo Roshi. He is a very compassionate Zen Master located in Salt Lake.

 

~There are certain agreements and rules that apply to us all and everything we do. Funny enough, for years I have thought that if I did not verbalize this to anyone then I wouldn’t be held accountable. So I dabble at the Zen Center and I sit on my cushion at home. There never was a solid focus or direction with my meditation. I have not even spoken with Roshi in years.

 

~So recently I started visiting the Zen Center regularly. I ran into Roshi and he basically told me it was time to wake up. It’s funny how that statement can strike a person. The thought of sleep walking through life is a strange one. My friend Tui kind of got me started back at the center due to his curiosity.

 

~So I grab the instructions and start sewing my rakusu. I almost finish it when I decide to iron the wrinkles out. I ended up melting my sewing and frying my cloth. Who knew that you couldn’t iron everything on the highest setting? So I live and learn. I jump right back on the horse and start a new one. I’ve spent nearly 60 hours just hand sewing this sucker. (Because it all has to be hand sewn by me of course).At first I was annoyed by this. Why should I have to sew this thing together? I wasn’t even sure what it all meant. As I sat there hour after hour I soon discovered that making this rakusu was in fact meditation. That changed my view. As I continued sewing I started to enjoy it and even take some pride in my work. I discovered some reason to this cloth and felt good about it.

 

~Now I need to apply that thought to everyday activities and life. Attitude and view point can really adjust your reality. So I am finished. I am attending my first retreat starting April 18^th and going until May 2^nd. I am very excited. Two weeks of meditation and Zen conversation. Then during the retreat on April 30^th at 8pm I will participate in the Jukai Tokudo. It is the ceremony where I become part of Buddha’s lineage, accept the 16 precepts, and I receive my Dharma name from Roshi. I am finally verbalizing my agreement with the universe. And while this changes absolutely nothing (because I am already here, so I have to play by the rules anyhow), I still feel a sense of peace because it is such an important step for me. I feel good.

 

~So anyone who knows me and would like to attend, just shoot me an email with your physical mailing address. I will send you an invitation. I want to give thanks to all my friends and family. Your touch in my life makes this existence valuable.


~Nuff',said.

I am sorry folks for the delays. i have been living in my live journal world and working my tail off. I am going to make an effort to keep my Gaia friends updated. I ran into Mikey on here. He is a Gaia member I started chatting with almost 2 and a half years ago. back when this was Zaadz. We talked about a lot of things for nearly two months. then we both faded from here. Well i started a new job and met this guy who was interested in herbal healing and meditation. we started talking and met at my place the other day to go over a few meditation techniques. We found out then that we were the one and the same that we had talked to on here. so years later, the universe still pulls us together. Isn't that cool? I think we have a lot we can learn from each other. I am happy to have a new friend in my life. I hope all is well for everyone. Take Care, be safe.

I sit in meditation and feel as if all my thoughts are being flushed down with water. I can't explain it. It is a drowning sensation. Thoughts are starting to blend and mix. I worry about losing my sanity. I wonder what sanity is. I ask how far down the rabbit whole I am willing to go. My brain feels like shutting down at some point, but my body keeps me in place. I feel warmth and begin to sweat like a bastard in a furnace. I soak my cushion. Yet I sit. I do this often now. I feel like I am losing sight of something, like what I feel isn't real. There is no logic to it. No real form, nothing to hold onto. Amber asked me to explain it and I can't. This is as close as I get. Am I going nuts? Am I already nuts? Are nuts good or bad? Oh hell, if I was nuts, would I even be asking if I was nuts? Sometimes I feel sorrow of others. So much, from all over, people I know, and some I don't know. I cry a lot on my cushion now. The sorrow almost feels good. It is a strong emotion that lets me know I still care. I am making my rakusu and will be taking Jukai as soon as Genpo Roshi feels I am ready. I have a lot of work to do, but I believe it will be for the good of all of us. I need to understand the precepts and know what position in this is. I just emptied my glass to the floor, water at my feet. I am ready, ready to learn, ready to admit fault. I am ready to open myself to whatever may come. Find me, take me, I will learn, I will understand, I will feel, and mostly, I will use my knowledge to give it away.

I will put our pics in my gallery. We didn't take too many. We were so busy handing out hugs!  I have never hugged so many people in all of my life. I could not believe the love and support shared by so many people. I felt a little uneasy at first, but with Ariel and Ashlie's help, we warmed right up. So many people shared so much. We went to give hugs and spread good karma. I was just amazed at how fast it came back to us! Every person we hugged was special. I could tell it affected Ariel and Ashlie too. So much need out there. So much love. We had occasional folks run from us, or put their hands in our faces, but I would say 90% wanted hugs! I couldn't believe the love that was shared from strangers. It gave me renewed hope in mankind. I went out to help, yet I believe all those people helped me more than I would have ever imagined. It was so beautiful. We met a gentleman who was playing flutes for everyone. He had been in a fire and had been badly burned. He had no fingers, yet he played so amazing. He saw what we were doing and asked us to stand next to him to help draw the crowds. When we got ready to leave, he came to get his free hug and whispered in my ear. He said, "I love you brother, have a blessed holiday". I held him tight for awhile. Perfect strangers shared love and compassion today. Today I learned a lesson I will never forget. Thank you to everyone. Thank you.

 

These people have it right (check the link below)! If you can spread good karma to just one person, just give of yourself, open up and not be afraid, the world would change! I am learning new lessons every single moment I am here breathing. Change someone's life, give something of yourself. No matter how big or small. My heart aches at the pain we all face daily, all over the world. I am going to follow these folk's example. This Saturday (December 23, 2006 at around noon and until someone runs me off) I am going to be across the street from temple square, in front of Crossroads Mall in Salt Lake City. I will have a sign and be giving free hugs. If anyone needs a hug, I'll be there. Or even better, bring your own sign and hand out free hugs too. I would really like support in this. I think we can make a difference with things like this. Anyone who wants to, please email me. I would like to see all my friends there. Check out the link.

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=d6a6e5a577af0b83c1380d45ce7be57b.1213531&fr=yvmtf

I believe it is so amazing that I write about a very emotional crushing thing here and a year and a hal goes by and nobody comments or says anything. But then today my wife receives a call stating someone in "The church" is using my blog to try and hurt or judge someone else. That person asked if I would remove it. I agreed to, not because I wanted to protect him or help him escape the truth, but for this one simple reason. The LDS church preaches over and over that only Christ himself can judge and decide fates.  This man did something wrong and he still denies it here on earth. So then according to your own beliefs, he will have to answer for that in the next life. Finding out that someone he works with is using my blog to harm him just reaffirms to me how corrupt and untrue the LDS church truly is. It's highest members bent on searching out dirt on another member!
~
check this site out http://www.josephlied.com/ . Everyday the church members justify and prove my beliefs that the LDS church has become an apostate church. You tell me to believe in the scriptures because they are true and not to worry about the people in the church, but even Joseph Smith was advised by God himself to avoid those churches according to your own scriptures.
~
Shame on him for commiting the attrocities he did. He has to suffer and has no chance of salvation what so ever in his life until he COMPLETELY confesses his own sins and works on his own redemption. I have had to forgive and my wife had to as well so his sins did not become our own.
~
Whoever you are that found this and chose to use it against him is just as guilty for the coruption of your Church, if not more so. His sins are now on you as well. It is your sense of revenge and desire to seek out dirt on a fellow member that has marked the end of the LDS church as being the one true church. You have become members of an apostate church that has fallen away from God. I suggest you read your own scriptures to see what happens to God's chosen people when they turn a blind eye to him, change his words, and become cold to his words. I am glad not to be associated with the church, despite all it's good on this planet that it does do, it is still a simple fact that you have become an apostate church.
~
When the time comes and you are faced with all of this and his judgement, I will ache for your souls. For it is not out of ignorance you do this, but out of sheer laziness and lack of courage to implement change and do what God has commanded. May there be mercy on all of your souls. Clint if you read this, please know that we love and pray for your soul and for you to do the right thing. There is still time. I know this haunts you, and there is resolve, but only you can make that  choice.

I have to say, I am a very blessed person. Joining Zaadz has been very wonderful. I have had conversations with several new people. Everyone here seems to be so loving and accepting. I appreciate all the advice and stories I've received, and I hope my stories and advice are helping. Brian (the CEO of this thing) has been very wonderful in responding to me and answering questions. Thank you Brian. Anyone who reads this and wants to influence the world, please invite your friends, let's link our world together. I have befriended several people here in Salt Lake and I look forward to new experiences and meeting people in person and working together to better our world. Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. Zaadz came into my life at a perfect time. Thank you to my friends at the Kanzeon Zen Center for introducing me. Everyone, be safe.

We practiced Zazen for 1/2 hour and then listened to Michael. He spoke with emotion and compasion. I tried a new technique today. Something I learned from Jules Harris when I was sitting in therapy. I listened to Michael's words, his meaning. I ignored the tipical social reaction's I feel compelled to normally offer. I just listened and let it all sink in. I have never been introduced to this guy, but i know Michael loves me. It was an amazing moment. I have not been to the Kazeon Center in so very long. Do you know what made me go today? Dayvid (my son), he made me promise to take him. He loves it there. It is so wonderful to watch the love in that place flow over him. He's like a little flower getting water and sunshine. He just loves it. I am so thankful for everyone at the Zen Center and all of the love they give freely to my family. Thank you so much.